Blue Milk on a Heater
by YouCan'tBeSerious
Summary: You know that your day is going to go badly when you push the toast down twice, and, before you could pull the plug to stop it from turning into charcoal, some hairy creature creeps upon you, and the Fire Prevention Droid starts beeping. Chewie x C3PO


You know that your day is going to go badly when you push the toast down twice, and, before you could pull the plug to stop it from turning into charcoal, some hairy creature creeps upon you, and the Fire Prevention Droid starts beeping like there's no tomorrow. And you don't even eat toast.

"Dear me! I wonder who this could be?" exclaimed C-3PO as he groped around the two masses of hair obstructing his view of the toaster.

"Aaaarrrrrrnnnnnnnngggggghhhhhhh", whined the offender

"Oh, I know! It's my darling Chewbacca!" realised C-3PO as he tapped frantically at his living eye mask so that he may shut up the Fire Prevention Droid.

"Aaaarrrrrrnnnnnnnngggggghhhhhhhggggggahhh!" screamed Chewie as he immediately turned from his partner to give the offending droid a smart kick before sending it off to its cosy corner.

"That's better." said C-3PO satisfactorily, but then exclaimed "Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!" as he realised that the toast was no longer toast. "I guess we will have to have something else for breakfast then, shall we?"

"Arrrng, arrrghnn"

"Yes, I _know_ you only like toast, but don't you think it's a rather prehistoric breakfast? I mean, we _did_ find it on Earth."

"Arrrnnngh, arrngnghn"

"Well, _I'd_ like to try something different for a change!"

"arrgn, aaaahhhhhhh" was the last thing heard before Chewie burst into tears

"Oh, dear! I'm sorry Chewie, it's my entire fault, I didn't mean it. Very well, we may have toast for breakfast, but you have to make it" retorted 3PO as he sat down with a spent look dragged onto his brow.

"Father! You know that daddy is an incompetent gorilla who can't tell an Imperial Star Destroyer from a Republic Assault Ship! It's like…..giving an orange to a monkey! Monkeys don't eat oranges, they eat bananas. So they get confused and make complete nonsense," burst out a little Yoda look-a-like, the result of a rowdy Christmas party. Nobody knew to whom it belonged to, so they pushed this responsibility onto Chewie and C-3PO, who were the only couple who owned their own apartment and had an amicable dress sense.

"Yado! I thought I told you to take a bath! It's been five years, and the stench is harming to the Special Sequined But Useless Bullet Sash With No Bullets that your daddy is prone to wearing," reprimanded C-3PO as he stood up and started poking poor Yado with the butt of a light sabre (which he won off Luke in a game of strip poker when the young Jedi could shed no more) towards the bath, as an aura of pong was visible in a 4-inch radius around Yado.

"Well, you thought wrong!" snapped Yado angrily as he ran away from the butt, because 3PO's hand was prone to accidentally press the 'on' button. Well, it has happened before.

Meanwhile, Chewie was busy trying to figure out if the bread went in landscape or portrait. After a whole lot of poking, the toaster finally had enough and fell onto the miserable Wookie's foot on purpose. It was officially decided then and there that toasters were out of fashion, and Chewie decided to have scrambled eggs, bacon, pancakes with maple syrup and strawberry ice-cream, an apple, a banana, some Weetbix, Cheerios and a carton of blue milk instead. Then with a big belch he settled down in front of the heater with a mug of gin in his hand.

A moment later, C-3PO bustled in dressed up as a carrot. One glimpse and Chewie sprang off the couch, trying not to laugh, but spilling his gin on the heater in the process. Then followed a mad rampage of stamping, for the heater was the new kind from Girlfriend where it's a real fire instead of some hybrid hairdryer, and it set on fire, not so surprisingly. The fire was put out with the help of the Fire Prevention Droid, who Yado always thought should be called a Fire Putter-Outerer Droid as it never actually prevents any fires, and all that was left there was Chewie smiling angelically and trying to hide the hole in the carpet.

"Good Lord, Chewbacca! I cannot believe this. My new cashmere rug, all ruined because you wanted to be like Winston in 1984. Well, it's no longer 1984, Winston is no longer a hunk, and you are no longer my de facto partner!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrnggggggggggggghhhhhhrrrrwwwwwwwwww,"wailed the blob of hair on the ground

"I don't care if your Girlfriend heater with real fire is broken, even if it did come all the way from Earth. Blame yourself for buying it, blame FedEx for delivering it, blame the Fire Prevention Droid for shooting at it with the remaining blue milk Luke sent use from Tattooine, I care no longer!" screamed the outraged droid

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeehghghghghghgh," attempted Chewie again.

"What! Why am I dressed up as a carrot?" repeated 3PO. "I'm dressed up as a blasted carrot because that was the only way to make that smelly Yado, who you just _had_ to take home with you, to take a blasted bath. All because you could not be bothered, you blasted, lazy, incompetent $\&! Oh, dear! I'm starting to sound like R2" shouted the immensely angry droid in a frenzy.

"Father, what does _in-coomp-i-tanty_ mean?" inquired Yado as he poked his head out of the doorway to the bathroom.

"None of your business, now go into the bathroom," sighed 3PO impatiently

"Okay, well, my cleanliness is _in-coomp-i-tanty_, because I've just made a big mess and there are soap suds everywhere." Complained Yado

"Why you little – " roared C-3PO as he went for Yado's wrinkles little throat.

The gallant Chewbacca could take no more. He stepped between the droid and the little alien and let out a large belch. Of course, he didn't mean to belch, he had actually meant to say "aaarrrrggggfhfhfhfhfhhfghhhhwww", but he had sipped too much gin and it was 'rising from his stomach'.

"Oh, you vile creature!" exclaimed 3PO in disgust. "I honestly do not know how I put up with you, let alone fall in love with you. I guess it was all the passion and all the work Luke had done on me. I needed someone to love, and you were perfect. You, came into the poker room with dancing dew in your hair from the fog, and your eyes were just sparkling. Your teeth, well, let's not talk about that, but you were absolutely gorgeous in your thick luscious fur and I was ready to give myself to you. I was so vividly reminded by your so utterly splendid abs of that time when I was torn by those psychopathic droids and how you came and rescued me, and carried me upon your back. I longed to say that I didn't mean to utter those harsh words as you tried to put me together, and that I longed for those days when I could feel your touch and not be discriminated against because I loved a Wookie. Oh, Chewie, why can you not be like you were before, so handsome and romantic and….ooooo, I get a tingle in my wires just thinking of those first passionate nights under the covers. But, oh, you've become so incompetent, I cannot believe it" continued 3PO, who's eyes had glazed over.

"Father, why did you just tell daddy to go to the bathroom? He can go to the bathroom whenever he wants. Like you said, it's no longer 1984" interrupted Yado with a puzzled expression.

Ignoring this interjection, Chewie cried "Aeerrrgggggnnnnnnhhhhahhhhahhhhh"

"What do you mean you try? I refuse to believe that this is you behaving your best" scowled 3PO

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggnnnnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaa" retorted Chewie.

"I beg your pardon! You say you never loved me! I knew it, _I knew it_! You were having an affair with Yoda all along, weren't you? Ever since you saved him from the evil storm troopers who you thought were your friends. Hah! I bet _he_ wasn't as good as me in bed" said 3PO indignantly

"AAAAARrrrhghghghghwwwww"

"BETTER! How dare you make that allegation"

"Aaarrggghghghnnnenenenen"

"What do you mean I cannot have children? And Yoda can?"

"arrararaggnngnghhghghwww"

"_YADO_ is _proof_? You ignoramus bottom! I _hate_ you! I'm never speaking to you ever again!"

And with this C-3PO stormed out in a huff, but before he walk 5 and a quarter steps he stumbled to the ground, and shut down because of a broken heart. So I guess the tin man did have a heart after all.

Chewie and Yado? Well, because Yoda was dead already after a tragic and short life of a couple of thousand years, Chewie got custody of the little fugly alien. Yado endured as much trauma as Luke in the "I am your father" business, because Chewie was such a hairy bum, but at least he didn't lose an arm or kiss his sister.

They spent their days eating toast made perfectly with a new toaster from Naboo (_much better_ manufacturer. Everything has a 'Made in Naboo' sticker on them these days). And Yado finally learnt how to say _in-com-pe-tent_.

_**Reference:**_

_The "push the toast down twice" theory from 'Kate and Leopold' (Go Bart! And Breckin Meyer)_

_The "giving an orange to a monkey" thought courtesy Rachel Baran during 1st period maths on Thursday (she was explaining how hard probability was)_

_The big breakfast eaten by Chewie – referring to the one Sylvester Stallone's character's mum made him eat in 'Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot' (hehe, gotta love a name like Sylvester)_

_Many ideas taken from George Orwell's 1984, courtesy Penguin Publishing. Includes most references to gin, belching, Winston, and dictatorship (Go comrades!)_

_Girlfriend, I'm sorry, but Bec hates you, and frankly, I think you should stop giving sex tips to seven year old girls (Dolly, you're not much better either) Btw, Girlfriend and Dolly are basically equivalents of Cosmo for kids, if you aren't sad like me and know this._

_Several references to Star Wars, but you've probably already figured that out (like the nerds we are)_

_The tin man from 'The Wizard of Oz" (well, they're both probably made out of tin. All Anakin had to do was scavenge around in space searching for crappy bits of metal that have fallen off our spaceships. No wonder it took him about two movies)_

_P.S. you have to imagine C-3PO saying stuff in his own tone and voice to stop it from sounding bitchy. I swear it works!_

_P.P.S. you should really try strawberry ice-cream with pancakes. It's really good!_


End file.
